­­Compiled by @marseniuk

@Jockin_JB I like Borders more than I like the library because the books have pretty covers and that’s how I judge books ... By the covers.

@dwax Wow, the interest rate on my ING savings account has dropped from 3.65% 2 yrs ago to 1.1%.

@criss_angel A little bit of tinkle missed the toilet, but levitated right back in. Mindleak!

> @gingerninja90 And what happens with number 2s? MindDump?

>> @criss_angel Don’t be silly, that’s a MindDeuce.

@Cudlitz Dear Congress: Show me you can take care of the medical needs of the men and women of our armed forces. Maybe then you can care for my mom.

@stephaniekmusic Hearing Kim Kardashian complain about having 2 “work” by gettin hair/makeup done & making an appearance @ a club in Vegas makes my head hurt.

@helle1981 Just made my younger cousins listen to Steel Panther. Not sure they were ready for that. #badinfluence.

@WriteRCastle The Olympics were like some of my ex-gfs exciting and mysterious @ first, then hit or miss, & finally I’m just glad it’s over.

@Vegasgeoff @toddhuish I am the king of useless knowledge. Never play me in Trivial Pursuit. Seriously. You will lose horribly.

@jimmyfallon Gatorade ended its relationship with Tiger Woods. They checked his cell phone and found texts from Powerade and Vitamin Water.